Praise Effort, Not Perfection
When kids believe their worth depends on winning, being “the best” or never making mistakes, they start to avoid challenges. When they hear that effort matters—that trying, practicing, and sticking with hard things is the path to growth—they lean in. This tip is simple and powerful: praise effort, not perfection.
Why effort-based praise works
- Builds healthy self-worth. Children learn they are valued for who they are and how they try, not just for outcomes they can’t always control.
- Encourages resilience. Mistakes become information, not shame. Kids are more willing to try again.
- Grows motivation. When effort is recognized, children connect hard work to progress—and want to keep going.
Swap these phrases at home
Instead of: “You’re so smart.”
Try: “You stuck with that even when it was tough.”
Instead of: “Perfect score! I’m proud because you got 100.”
Try: “I’m proud of how you practiced each night and checked your work.”
Instead of: “You’re a natural artist.”
Try: “Your shading looks better because you slowed down and experimented.”
Instead of: “You’re the fastest!”
Try: “You paced yourself, and your consistency helped you finish strong.”
What to praise (concrete and specific)
- Strategies: “Breaking the reading into three parts helped you understand.”
- Habits: “You came back to this after a break—that shows persistence.”
- Choices: “You asked for help when you were stuck. That’s a smart move.”
- Reflection: “You figured out what didn’t work and tried a new approach.”
When things go wrong
Kids don’t need a pep talk that pretends everything went great. They need language that names reality and points to the next step.
- “That didn’t go how you hoped. What did you learn to try next time?”
- “Missing a shot hurts. Let’s practice that footwork you noticed.”
- “The grade was disappointing. Which question type should we focus on together?”
Quick guide by age
Early childhood (3–6): Keep it short and concrete.
- “You kept trying to zip your coat. That’s determination.”
- “You shared the blocks after I reminded you. You made a kind choice.”
Elementary (7–10): Tie effort to a strategy.
- “Annotating the text helped you answer the questions.”
- “You set a timer and finished your chores on time—nice system.”
Middle school (11–13): Emphasize planning and reflection.
- “Your study schedule spread the work out; how did that feel?”
- “You noticed distractions and moved seats. That’s taking ownership.”
High school (14–18): Connect effort to long-term goals.
- “Rewriting your draft improved clarity; that’s college-ready effort.”
- “Balancing practice and homework took planning—show me your process.”
Do / Don’t checklist
Do
- Praise the process (effort, strategy, persistence).
- Be specific (“you re-read directions”) rather than vague (“good job”).
- Normalize mistakes as part of learning.
- Ask curious questions: “What helped most today?”
Don’t
- Overuse labels (“genius,” “natural,” “gifted”).
- Tie praise only to outcomes (scores, rankings).
- Rescue immediately—let kids struggle productively first.
- Compare siblings or peers.
Five effort-praise scripts you can use today
- “You organized your notes by topic—that made the test easier to study for.”
- “I saw you take a breath before answering. That helped you slow down.”
- “You didn’t get it at first, and you kept at it until it clicked.”
- “Your plan to practice 10 minutes a day is paying off.”
- “You did your best today—and your best can grow with practice.”
Your words build a foundation
Every “You worked hard on that” moment shapes how your child sees themselves. Over time, these messages create a sturdy base of self-belief—one that doesn’t crumble when the grade drops, the team loses, or the problem takes a second try.
At White County Family Connection, we equip parents with practical tools like these and walk alongside families who want extra support. Through our Family Advocacy Program, parents receive individualized guidance, life skills, and connections to local resources. Our mentoring work and school-based supports help students feel seen, encouraged, and ready to grow. If your family could use a partner on the journey, we’re here to help.
